Love to Live, Live to Love

Fear.

2011-04-19T13:20:00.000+01:00

Fears, plural it should be in my case.

As I become older and wiser, I become more irrational. This sentence doesn't even make sense but somehow it's exactly what I mean! I know what is safe and even how it is put together to become safe, I understand it. I am wise, well generally. I know a lot of 'stuff' by the very nature of my age let alone my acute appetite for knowledge and information.

The Wiki definition of fear is: "Fear is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognise danger and flee from it or confront it, also known as the Fight or Flight response."

This last weekend I encountered planned fear - frankly the worst kind. Anticipated fear. I stared it in the face and it looked back with it's evil eyes and winked at me indicating it's enjoyment at my displeasure! Coming eye to eye with fear is like being gripped in the devil's belly unable to shake its painful grip. You want to free yourself but it literally feels like the world is caving in (which by the way looks like normal life but quite blurry around the edges!) You are literally putting yourself through a wringing machine hoping you will come out the other side. In one piece I might add. People that have certain fear of certain things should not be sneered at; what is a breeze for some is a nightmare for others.

My fear this weekend was being 18 metres up in the treetops with girls I didn't know well (unless you count the ten minute hello at the start). No way down except to complete this craziness... or in most peoples case a child’s playground in the sky! Getting up the rope ladder was hard enough shaking like a leaf caught in a storm, then across the planks to the next big tree trunk; around the trunk and there it was; actual fear staring me in the face. Outwardly I would say I looked pretty ill; a trembling, tearful shadow of my former self with the pallor of an unwell ghost. My stature was to stand stock still in case I vomited or of course fell to my death. I looked to the girl next to me and whispered (as if fear would hear and poke more fun at me) "I think I might cry, I can't do this". What I couldn't do was harness myself to the zip line and throw myself across the huge 4 metre wide gap to the rope wall opposite.... remember 18 metres up! I did start to repeat with no control in my wobbly voice "I REALLY can't do this" several times over and over! The girl next to me smiled, said I could and that she really understood my fear but that I could do it, remember she said fear is irrational - she also pointed out there was NO other way down. NO other way down. Like, NO other way down. Really? Why was this not made clear to me at the start....? After what felt like an hour in time, the realisation hit me between my eyes that I had NO choice. Slowly and shaking uncontrollably I started to move my sweaty hands down the trunk to sit in my harness ready to launch my limp body across the abyss - I closed my eyes, drew in a long deep breath and slowly inched my feet of the platform at which point speed took over and before I knew it I had hit the rope wall and was grabbing it for dear life hearing the last scream leave my throat .... absolutely terrifying. Ahead of me was a whole two hours of similar challenges. I did it. I actually did it. Don't even get me started on the long zip wires down either...height and speed …..

Facing fear does not necessarily mean conquering it; in my case definitely not but it does command a kind of respect from your peers as they witness you grapple with it and then actually move past it. The kindness of strangers in a situation like is remarkable - I say strangers but locked in my battle they became my friends. A mutual respect was formed. Apply this to any part of your life and I am sure this is how you could become a respected leader. It means not being afraid to at least have a go and even ask for help with it proving that fear brings a modicum of courage to your life if the soul is willing.

I am so proud of myself. I can hold my head up high and say "I faced one of my biggest fears, I am still fearful but I gave it a go .... and I am quite sure I will NEVER face it in that way ever again!"

The moral to this tale is; have a go, by having a go you cannot fail even if you do not quite triumph over the fear.

Post Op thoughts...

2010-07-27T18:37:00.000+01:00

Whilst I know I am in danger of sounding trite as I approach the one week anniversary of the op I have had plenty of time to recovery my sanity (body will follow soon, I hope) I think it's time to express how the 'recovery days' sat idly in my head.

My current and utmost worry is my body. Ah not the beaten black, blue and yellow look am sporting across my stomach currently but it's shape. A few weeks before the op I had to abandon running due to both knee and groin injury and therefore have not even seen my trainers for at least 3 weeks. This is no good thing. Whilst secretly I appreciated the break from running because this insane form of exercise does not come easily despite its addictive nature, right now I actually wobble. How quickly my body turned on me and went sort of south. How very disloyal of my body, after all that work! During op recovery I seem to have done a lot of eating. A lot. No more than on a normal day but when you run around busy and add in running and walking the pooch daily this is no problem; when moving only from lying position in bed to propped up position on the sofa it is mildly concerning especially when you wobble. What to do? I am not going to be able to run again for a while (again, secretly a little pleased) so how then do I stop my body looking like jelly unless of course I tape my mouth shut?
All the little things I said I would achieve in my post op rest days I have not done. I have not read or even started my new book. I have not written as many blog posts as I wanted to. I have not re-addressed some 'ideas' I have for the future. I have not filed my recipe cards. I have not written to old friends to reacquaint. I have not put our honeymoon pictures in an album. I have not organised my i-tunes. I have just not. I have slept. A lot. Popped many painkillers. A lot. Eaten. A lot. I have watched an inordinate amount of mindless tv. A lot. What a waste of time. I am a little horrified, if a little disgusted at my use of time.
The mind is such strange place with time on your hands; over the last two days I have been fully awake and it likes to taunt me. It likes to let me know how lovely it would be whilst I have this time on my hands to do all the things my normal days don't have time for. It tells me to tend the garden, bag up the seeds for spring sowing, weed the lawn and trim the hedges. It tells me it's an ideal time to beat the baking challenge. It also tells me it would be a great time to sort out my wardrobe, it even tells me now is a great time for a summer clear out of the house. All of which I cannot do. Harrumph.

HOWEVER; I am going to credit myself with the recognition that I do have the most wonderfully supportive family and friends and the most incredible husband a girl could have married! Over the last few days I have been inundated with messages, visits, flowers, cards, a lot of food based gifts, phone calls and above all; love. I feel so loved. I feel that from every corner of the globe from where ever my family and friends reside they have all hugged me. Hugs are underrated. Everyone needs to have a time of concern because that's how you know. How you know why you've chosen those people to be your friends and how you realise how much your family means to you. My parents are divorced, but together they came and I know I've always said how lucky I am to have them as best friends to each other but to know that no matter what they will unite as one is pretty special. My little sister (ok, not so little but beautiful, tall and generous to a fault - basically your domestic siren) brings my sugar coated nephews and makes me laugh and gives a warm glow you can bask in for hours afterwards. Adam, my brother found time amongst his many commitments to stop and call and keep calling until I had the strength to have a conversation; he's not been my brother for long but he's a good brother. My in-laws have called or visited daily; never outstaying their welcome just checking I'm ok. So many friends, too many to mention by name have just plain old been there - an instant soul lifter. A thousand thank you's - you know who you are. My husband. I married a man not a boy. He is someone that I now could not ever live without. He is my everything. He took on not only the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, dog walking and his full time job but above all he has never left my side until he was sure nothing bad would happen. He waited until the I could see properly from the side effects the tablets gave me so I wouldn't trip over on the way to the bathroom, he was there when I needed to move or get up, he listened, he made sure I had everything I needed around me within reaching distance, he fielded calls to re-assure family and friends when I was asleep, he wiped away my tears with his kisses (ok, tissues but how romantic did that sound?!), he was patient, he lay with me awake in bed as I slept, he made me laugh when the anaesthetic had made me down in the dumps, he was just there. He will always just be there right by my side and I am proud to be his wife and whether we are able or not to have our dream family it doesn't matter because we have each other; forever.

Time is lost as the days whizz by for all of us and it's good to be thankful - just sometimes. See; I did warn you it was going to be trite! xxx

2010-07-26T16:06:00.001+01:00

The Operation...

2010-07-25T13:00:00.000+01:00

It was fair to have called myself a drama queen prior to having had this operation, no one could have been more neurotic than I when it came to stressing over the whole procedure..... I said something about terrific fear and being in it's clutches and being cut by the surgeon's little knife etc, I can barely remember the freakish nightmares I had beforehand now but I do know they were real to me. So often is the way AFTERWARDS. O how I can happily mock myself now I am in recovery and it's all been done!

My terrifying journey only ended when the haze of the anaesthetic took over my consciousness.

The morning of the operation I knew I was too calm. I woke up and had a black tea delivered to me in bed before 6.30am - the cut of time for fluids. As Henri ran around dealing with the animals, breakfasting pouring my bath and getting my bag ready I simply lay in bed, picked up my iphone and started playing Angry Birds. What was that all about? Well, I'll tell you. Denial. Plain and simple; me pretending that it wasn't going to happen. Eventually I hauled myself from my pit and got in the bath still with iphone in hand only I had swapped from Angry Birds to Twitter. Taxi was arriving at 7.30am and at precisely 7.20am my brain kicked in and I frantically washed and got changed - oddly fussing over what style I should put my hair in. In the taxi I checked Facebook and read a beautiful message from our friends in Hollywood wishing me luck and sending angels to watch over me. Now, you may think what tripe but at the time it was my trigger....tears, big fat tears you usually see on children when they've grazed their knee ran down my face. My emotions had finally woken up! Walking into the Day Surgery unit I paled and I must have looked awful as the Sister ran up to me and stroked my arm telling me not to be nervous. That was it the tears came again and did not stop for a good hour. I went through all the checks with various nurses and eventually the anaesthetist came to see me. Now for those of you that have met my father you'll understand this; this guy was my father except with a moustache. My father is a wonderful man with a huge heart and such a giver but anything serious and the jokes come not to mention his thick Italian accent makes any serious conversation sound like a comedy sketch. Not only did I ask him to repeat what he was saying about three times but I had a sudden nervous attack of the giggles before telling him my story of fear. He laughed and quite reassuringly said "you'll be fine. Probably" before walking away. My giggles got stuck in my throat and the tears came back. He was followed by Mr Fountain - our gynaecologist and my surgeon. He explained the 'simple' procedure again and then said that Brenda was making him do my op first. Thank you Brenda - a thousand thank you's. So I was first in. I can't explain the panic but I do remember going numb and still. Being wheeled down the corridor in a bed feels like being wheeled to the depths of hell, I am surprised my heart got through it, it felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. (Yep, the drama goes on...) Without my contacts in or glasses on, this being wheeled to theatre experience was made worse by the fact that I was temporarily blinded! It was all a whooshing blur except when signs like, Operating Theatre, got near my moving bed it was seen through my poor eyesight like big black bold signs an inch from my eyes...all adding to the intense drama playing out in my head. In we went though the swinging double doors to my penultimate destination before the operating table. There was my father's looky-likey with a needle in his raised hand smiley madly at me and three nurses all staring down at me with odd looking smiles painted onto their faces. It was like a freak show! Then suddenly the room was alive; two nurses at my head smiling constantly literally pinning down my shoulders, the other nurse asking me the same questions over and over and the anaesthetist bent down rubbing my hand before the searing pain of a needle going into my hand. The first anti-sickness drug was pumped in followed by anti heart racing drugs and then more anti-sickness. Suddenly, all was completely still. All of them still smiling before the anaesthetist saying;"it's time" and my reply? "O shit, I am going to die". Then nothing. Absolutely nothing. Everything stopped. The smiles, the noises, the pounding, the fear. It just stopped.

Waking up was nothing like I expected. I could hear my name being said over and over again but I couldn't wake up. I couldn't open my eyes or utter "present miss"! Nothing. I expected to wake up in a warm bed for a start. No, I was freezing, I was so cold I was shaking all over like I'd been shut in the deep freeze for the past hour and a half! I remember someone shouting "give her more morphine she shouldn't be shaking like that" and someone else telling my I was given more anti sickness drugs and yet more morphine. Opening my eyes eventually was literally like prising open an oyster. I saw various nurses and the anaesthetist who I remember thinking looked like Charlie Chaplin as he walked into the room! Other patients were wheeled in woken up and wheeled out again. A clock on the wall in front of me told me that it was a full 40 minutes before they decided to wheel me back to ward. Henri was at my side in seconds. Kissing my face, smiling, squeezing my hand, telling me how proud he was of me and that he loved me to end of the earth. It was a moment of pure joy with a mixture of his words and my own mind at rest having conquered a fear I'd held all my life.

I felt wired though. Completely out of it. Pain was present but at bay - strange. I'd fall asleep mid sentence and wake thinking I'd been asleep for hours but it was only minutes. Good sleep though, wonderful in fact.

Mr Fountain came to see me. He explained the 'simple' operation was not so simple. He found enough endrometritus to sink a ship, removed eight grape sized cysts and unfolded my left fallopian tube that was bent at a 90 degree angle and prized the tip of it away from the uterus wall where it had started growing. I may need another operation but time will tell - if in three months I am in pain still they need to re-operate. I need at least 7 days rest and then possibly another few. At the time I didn't care but I am at Day Four into recovery and I think I do need more time as I am still in enormous pain but the thought of more time off work does not sit easily for me and I have a big event the day I am due back to work.... hmmm. I believe now I am more important than my job but I am loyal and faithful like a puppy.

So that was that. Operation over. If I have to go back now, I've done it once I know I'll be ok. Seeing is believing, everyone said it would be ok but the fear of the unknown was too much.

The best bit of all is that we've added an extra 1% onto the percentage of us being able to conceive. I'd do a little dance but I literally can't! xxx

Forget Domestic Goddess, am Queen of Drama!

2010-07-19T15:46:00.000+01:00

When I was at school I was rarely ill. I detested being away from school in case I missed out (not on my school work but you know friend stuff - crickey I was never that studious but I don't suppose I burst anyone's bubble by me stating that!) or missed an opporunity to get my foot in the door with the cool girls, you know that kind of important stuff childhood is made up with ... so really I've always been a little strange- something now well documented amongst my friends! Being actually ill was by all accounts just really boring and more tedious than being made to attend church mass three times a week or sitting through Latin classes or even running the countryside in a tight airtex shirt and navy blue knickers in the dirving rain! As I grew up and into my early twenties I was never ill either although at that time living away from home and in London I was Queen of Sickies (think they call them duvet days now) - there were far better things to be doing than working and back then I still had no idea what I wanted to be (or who I was come to that)! As an adult degree taking student in my mid twenties again, never ill, hungover a plenty but never sick and I never skipped class unless I was with my fellow students - I refer you back to my school days. Now in my thirties am much more rounded (not completely I'll grant you but am getting there) and really can't take time being ill. For one, I run my office and I am simply too busy and responsible (how did that happen, who knew?) to be ill, then I have developed a whole new aspect to my character called - being a control freak, and of course I hate missing out etc etc and so it goes on!

So this Wednesday I am due into hospital to make myself ill. In a previous blog you'll all know that I am petrified. This hasn't changed - only thing that has changed about that is now am getting rather alot of unplanned pressure in my chest when I have enough time idle to think about what's going to happen ...I believe this is called anxiety. Pah! See, in my head I enter into the darkness 100% pain free and able (and yes I am conveniently forgetting about the severe pain every month for approximately 48 hours) and I will be wheeled out (or worse: made to walk!) in alot of pain. My mind is evil. I keep thinking about the little surgeons knife cutting me and then delving on in further to slice open my ovaries (still with me?) - this little scene keeps replaying itself in my head. Evil bad mind. Added to that is the complete head bomb that is me trying to work out how it is possible for them to get me to sleep through this without waking? That and worst of all; how many people will be staring at me. It gives me the creeps. You might as well strip me naked and shove me centre stage at the Albert Hall with a spot light on me. Actually that would be preferable!

Not one single person can calm my mind. Why is that? I surround myself with people I trust but on this....no one can help?

Anyway, I veer off my original point ....so taking 7 days off for being ill - is messing with the control freakishness of my nature. What does one do when ill? I am told I am not allowed to operate machinery; including a car and a cooker - their words not mine! Also not allowed to carry anything - does this include my book? Ridiculous!

In 38 hours it will be all over one way or another (o the drama)! As I type this I do realise how ridiculous I sound and I am clearly becoming unhinged in some way. I wish I was going in tomorrow that way it'll be over quicker and I can end the torture in my mind and let's not forget my poor husband's next 38 hours. If it was not for the extra 1% opportunity this may give us I would have wriggled out of this black hole by now.

The clock is ticking. I wish I could fast forward time. Hmmm.

Step One: Attend a Compulsory Adoption Information Session...

2010-07-16T17:24:00.000+01:00

'The Next Step' landed on our doorstep just a few days ago despite the promised next day postal delivery of this information from the council from our initial phone conversation which was over three weeks ago! Why we are suprised at this slowness when it took 3 months before our enquiry was even answered I have no idea!! It seems this is to be a waiting game. A test of our metal maybe! Am sure they know new wannabe adoptive parents are terrified of causing a fuss in case they decide we're not suitable because we are impatient but still..... trouble is we are impatient! How can we help that after two years of fertility treatments and disappointing, emotionally shattering bad news. We want desperately to be parents and this new road is long with many twists and turns in it to be taken. However, we will do our utmost to show our impatience is non-existant and we are actually perfect. No flaws. Becoming a Domestic Goddess has never been more important!

So, we now know we must attend a Compulsory Adoption Information Session before we can move forward and be allocated a social worker and finally get our first proper home visit to showcase just how damn perfect we really are! Just to make things ultra difficult for us, we have a choice of 3 of these sessions we can attend. Chippenham, 16th August 6.30pm until 9.30pm. Trowbridge 16th October. Salisbury sometime in December. Obviously our choice will be 16th August; our impatience dictates that we need to be on the programme as soon as possible. We also need to prove we are very keen. No problem. Breath. Chippenham? Do they know how far away that is from where we live? Do they know that 6.30pm to 9.30pm is quite possibly the most awkward of times possible. Yes, of course they do. Let's not make it easy for the Lupi-Lawrences, they have not quite had it hard enough yet. Honestly.

Like I said, this road is a long winding one. We'll go and be perfect and hide our annoyance that making us drive 2 hours across the county after work, sit in a 3 hour loaded information session, drive 2 hours home is no sweat. In truth, it is no sweat if we think of the end dream....our very own little miracle. We hope. xxx

The Telephone

2010-07-13T13:42:00.000+01:00

Not sure anyone else has this problem other than myself .... although I happen to randomly know that Tori Spelling suffers as I do. We (look at me using the collective as if I actually know her...I don't!) dislike using the telephone. I mean I really dislike this mode of communication. I will go out of my way to avoid picking up the phone and it doesn't matter who is calling; my mother, sister, best friends or husband. Don't take offence though if you call and I don't pick up; you'll always be calling at a bad time! Too early or too late, too busy 'doing', too sleepy, too moody, too exhausted, too frazzled, too stressed.... literally the list of excuses is endless! Of course, I do pick up occasionally and that's when I am feeling too generous!!! It's not about the person on the end of the phone. Must stress it's never to do with the person calling me - do not want to offend anyone!! It's more to do with my time and how little of it I have to myself. What I do need is for people to leave me a message, you see if they don't I assume it was nothing important and I will eventually get round to calling you back - it could just be in one month's time! I prefer a simple text. Or an email. Or a letter - does anyone do this anymore? Or better still, a visit or an invitation to visit. Face to face time - now that's my thing.

I've not always been this way though. When I was a teenager I used to be on the phone for hours and hours even when I had literally just left that person that I'd spent the day with! Of course it was attached to a wall then so it was also obligatory to lie on the kitchen work surface or on the floor with my legs resting on the wall in front of me as I held my epic conversations. Now, I realise it must have driven my family to distraction not to mention how much it must have cost them in phone bills.

I am wierd right? I do know this to be true but I know why I dislike the telephone so much. See, when I was young and I used to ring my friends for hours at a time and they to me, but it wasn't often. It was a gratifying experience. Always popped the phone down in it's nook with a happy sigh and laughter ringing in my ears from contented conversations (yes, I know I am in danger of sounding very Enid Blyton!) Now the mobile has taken that away. There are no phone hours to look forward to - the mobile has made it a constant and a necessity. I also used to be in sales and the first port of 'call' (sorry) would be the phone - a cold call - telephone at it's worst. I was good at it but towards the end of my sales career I began to resent the telephone more and more. Call and sell. Call and book an appointment. Call and get the outcome to the sale. Call back and beg! Calls are all logged and you HAD to make at least 25 cold calls a day! Pah! Now in my current workplace I am on the phone for all sorts of other reasons all day. So am I really that strange to want the phone to stop being invasive when I get home?

This all said but I have to confess I had to have the iphone 4 immediately when it went on sale, not for calling though for the access to the web, to Twitter, to FB, to my emails and Ping. (I am also obcessed with mini games such as Angry Birds, but that's a whole other blog post!)

If I call you in the future, don't think of this blog post, think to yourself, she's feeling uber generous and then you can always get your own back by diverting me to voicemail!

A Tribute To My Great Friends .....

2010-07-06T10:49:00.000+01:00

Very much a random blog and steering a little off-course from why this blog was set but bear with me I will get to the point.....eventually!!

I got to thinking as there have been a few little things to happen to me recently that have not just made me smile but the action utterly shines love onto our lives. It's mostly the small stuff that sometimes can make or break your day and I am very much into concentrating on the good stuff.

I feel lucky. Lucky that whilst I have a rather small circle of great friends they are truly great - we're talking friends that even when you are in the wrong will defend you and still keep your secrets. I was once told when I was a child that you are lucky if you can count great friends in your life on one hand. I can; therefore, I am lucky. One of my dreams in life is to become this domestic goddess whilst enjoying my work and raising a family (someday, we hope) as you can all tell this is going to take sometime, I was not born into that sort of life naturally but I am happy to state that my great friends instead of dismissing my dream support me, whether they 'get' it or not!

Last month Henri and I received an enormous package from New York. (Am pretty proud of myself for waiting 3 hours until Henri got home before I opened it!) It was from a beautiful couple we met on our honeymoon that have become instrumental in our lives; Vicki and George. Inside this gift box was for me some books to help on my various journeys, a beautifully written card and other beautiful little trinkets that I will treasure - incredibly thoughtful and touching. For Henri a gift with a hand written note that brought tears to his eyes it was so special - a gift that couldn't be bought, a gift that means the world to Henri. Digby also not left out, had a shiny new diamante collar (one he won't be wearing everyday as he rolls continually in muddy water!) Then on a separate occasion one Saturday in May I received a bouquet of flowers from one of my rocks in life; Tot. These were no ordinary flowers but a huge bouquet of flowers replicating the blooms from my wedding hand tie - the very same wedding hand tie that I gave her on our wedding day, the very day that they were engaged. These flowers will never be forgotten; it has created another unspoken bond between us and the warmth I feel for her sending those to me is not possible to fully express - it's a love that means we will always read each other in a way no one else in my life will.

The 'good' deeds we've recently experienced from friends when we've been struggling with life make me realise that you cannot go through life without great friends. Our friend Ian giving his time freely to help us through sticky financial problems that were reducing me to tears and Henri to depression; thanks to his words and advice and guidance we are on a fast road to recovery. Two fabulous people, Louise and Liam for treating us to the most exquisite food in a well known restaurant in New York that we'd never have been able to afford had they not shared with us. Lou J who worked with me as my assistant; she took the time to get to really know me and always tries to help where she can. Sipi, a dear friend who despite living in another country would literally do anything for us within his capability; his words of wisdom are invaluable. So many more .... I am lucky to have so many that I am not able to mention them all by name.

I recently was able to give back. My life long friend Emma; we went to school together, shared London together and know every inch of each others thought processes. Her soul mate and husband had to go through open-heart surgery and she found herself in alien accommodation in a city she doesn't know. Being there for her when he was in surgery, walking into ITU with her, holding her as she took in the tubes and the enormity of what she was faced with, reminding her of the positives. Giving back is so very rewarding. All my great friends would do it for me and I would without question do it for them.

I don't see or talk to a lot of my close friends often, day to day life has taken over so very much and many friends live far away from us. For one thing I hate the telephone with a passion - I prefer the written word, old fashioned cards and letters or meeting up and seeing friends. We always pick up where we left off no matter how long it's been.

To all my great friends, thank you. For everything. For being you. xxx

Life's little hurdles ...

2010-07-05T14:18:00.000+01:00

So now I have 'ousted' Henri and I and our journey is public here comes the first instalment!!
After over a year with the fertility clinic; my first operation date has come through. There are two important reasons for having this operation done; it could improve our chances to naturally conceive and second it will eliminate our monthly pain. Yes 'our'. It's so painful that I can end up literally screaming and writhing around in bed for hours, for some reason it only arrives in the middle of the night and stays for 2 whole days and 2 whole nights - Henri ends up resembling a zombie over that 'period'! He's such a great husband as in the dead of the night he's making tea, administering pain killers and making hot water bottles (a killer in this British summer!) Not to mention Digby getting himself all anxious and trying to climb on the bed to lick my face, as if this would make it all better!! This weekend that time had come around again and we had new neighbours move in on Saturday - God only knows what they thought was going on!
So, in two weeks this Wednesday, I will be going into hospital for day surgery. No matter how hard I've tried to get out of this operation and no amount of protests have been met with sympathy from our specialist or my husband. I need it done. I am absolutely petrified. This fear comes from never having been through an operation and childhood memories of my little sister going in for operations and her heart stopping beating from allergic reactions to the anaesthetic. What if mine stops beating? What if they can't start it again? What if something goes wrong? Now those are the more serious questions I have. My other rather odd worry is that I am not sure I can handle the fact that lots of people I don't know will be all staring at me. I mean what do I look like asleep? When I got married my main concern was people staring at me as I walked down the aisle ...... honestly, as if the woman in the white dress isn't going to get stared at?! I went to great lengths to try to hide even just a little bit like sending my paige boys down the aisle first (for the awww factor) followed by my sister and I asked my father to walk as quickly as humanly possible to get to the front! I guess I am uncomfortable with being centre of attention despite my loud exterior! As hilarious as many find this 'worry', it is a real worry for me. Will I snore? Gah.... the embarrassment. Henri says this is the control freak in me. Control freak honestly (secretly I know he is absolutely right - what I can't control gives me the hibbie jibbies!)
Let's face it, I go in pain free and come out full of pain. What's not to concern me? And don't get me even started on the having to take seven days off to recover....apparently am not allowed to operate machinery for seven days either and that includes the cooker! A wife's dream? Not mine, Henri in the kitchen??? Next you'll be telling me he can drive a car too! And my running, that will suffer.....I can see I am going to be a joy to live with over the next few weeks!
All this and yet there is the voice inside me that's calm - it's a small voice, one that I can barely hear - this voice tells me that if this is what I have to do to get to a maybe, to just increase that 1% chance that we could have a family then really, that's ok with me.

Domestic who? Domestic what?

2010-07-02T07:23:00.000+01:00

Hmmmm. Feel like a bad, bad blogger - have neglected this blog over the last month; now it's not because I haven't wanted to write.... fellow bloggers will know we do this because we love to write ....but because life just simply got in my way. In fact lately it's felt like I've been in a rugby scrum and have not been able to move too quickly or at all from the weight of all the bodies on me but I won't let go of the ball!!!!

Let's remind ourselves why I blog. I want to be a Domestic Goddess - dreamed it since I was a wee nipper. To me a Domestic Goddess is someone who has a successful career, a clean and tidy house, a beautiful and mature garden, a family including pets, a competent chef in all areas of culinary delights and with it be a fit and healthy, well groomed, funky fashionista that friends and foe look up to and respect! It's a flipping tall order!!! To be able to drift from one chore to another without breaking a sweat and even doing it with a smile and looking graceful - well am far from achieving this goal!!!! So to help me I created Domestic Goddess - a blog that challenges me to get the jobs done, to learn quicker, to motivate me. We have a beautiful 1850's house but it's not quite how we'd like it; it needs painting, in and out, roof needs fixing, windows need replacing, carpets are terrible, no curtains in 2 bedrooms (lived here for nearly 2 years and one of those bedrooms is our own), birds are living in the eaves, the garden is enormous and only just starting to become manageable but so much to do and to learn and don't get my started on our orchard! I can cook - yes that I am actually very good at but it's a fail as I cannot bake YET! I do have a successful career but I moan and complain; not enough money for a job I actually enjoy, I work 2 people's jobs etc so I need to find the time to research my company idea. As for being well groomed and fit & healthy; I run 3 times a week and believe me it doesn't come easy, I am on top of fashion but I need to loose about two stone, I want to do my nails weekly, I really do but manicured beautiful nails are no companion to potting plants and digging up weeds!!! I've a lot to learn and here is my journey.

There is one thing I've not shared until now and I do this now as I am going to need to blog about this as ultimately it could be our biggest achievement. Most of you who read regularly will know how much I adore my husband and how we are one and will know of our pooch Digby, our smelly handsome goldie we both absolutely adore - my life. My entire world, as long as I have them nothing else matters. Except this one thing. We are not complete. We long for a family. We are not likely to have one naturally. We, well more correctly I, am not all in working order. We had tests galore and we started this testing two weeks before our wedding in May 2009. It has taken over a year to find out that this emotional journey is full of obstacles and we still have no progress only to know that hope is only a tiny pin prick. But it might be minuscule but it's there right? Firstly, I need an operation where for my health and well being they need to delve on into my body and tweak a few bits and pieces here and there - like fine tuning an engine I guess, except am no Ferrari I am more a clapped out old banger!!! Then, well then nothing, we wait. At 36 years old they want me to wait and see for a bit. So, our huge decision earlier this year was that we would like to adopt and the more we talked about it the more we knew that if a miracle ever came for us naturally we would still adopt another little miracle. We applied to become adoptive parents in April this year and yesterday got our first call. Our first step on this ladder that is very steep to climb. Together we are terrified, excited, scared, nervous, exhilarated, impatient and for the first time since we started optimistic. The ins and outs of our journey I will document and don't be put off, we are still us. I am still me, so true to form we do find humour in most things and this is no different so the blog posts won't be all doom and gloom that I can tell you.

I share this with you as this is another journey that challenges my dream of being a Domestic Goddess. The ups and downs. I want you with me. I want and need your support and love. xxx

First 'normal' Saturday for a while ...

2010-06-05T09:52:00.000+01:00

Today kind a feels like settling back into an old pair of slippers. A normal Saturday for me; a run with the pooch, cleaning, washing, gardening and pottering until Henri gets home - sometimes I slide in a good girly lunch or coffee to keep me sane (talking to just the dog all day is not the same as actual human contact!) Henri always works a Saturday as that's the busiest day for his barbershop and being that it's called Henri's (we are acutely aware that name is not quite as inspiring as he'd hoped his shop name would be but it did make sense as he's so well known....) and he is always being asked for personally. It's a good money day (thank God!) For the last 2 weeks or so we've had exciting events to go to; a wedding and our anniversary and I've had Henri for the whole weekend on each occasion. We are back to normal today and I am undecided (although it's only 9am) whether I'll enjoy having my Saturdays back to 'get' straight.....time will tell today I guess. Fingers crossed my friend will call and we'll have a coffee catch up which will distract my mind from feeling like I have to play at being a domestic goddess (or try) all day!

In the meantime I have already run 2.6km (disappointing BUT all x country and that's my hardest terraine - love that those words sounded like I am a professional runner, not so, am absolutely shocking but i do like to run on a bit of bouncy road when I force myself out four times a week!) stripped the bed, washed the linen and have it drying on the line. Breakfast was healthy and an espresso will hopefully spur me on to wash the car (groan, am already making excuses; am sure car washing is blue job).....we'll see as I am dying to pick my book back up - am finally reading the last installment of the Twilight series and am hooked - should probably be reading something a little more highbrow than teen lit but it's a guilty pleasure!

So, entertain me -what are you all up to today?........

Challenge: Get through the day without any tears or temper tantrums???!!!!

2010-06-03T10:37:00.000+01:00

Doesn't sound like a bad challenge does it? Well that my friends depends on whether the raging PMT has left my body......I managed to hoist my heavy body out of bed this morning and somehow go for a 3.4km run in just under 25 minutes.....not bad especially as I added to the pain by strapping 2.5kg weights to my wrists! The thought process behind this is that surely if I do still have PMT then by running first thing I change all my thoughts to positive by sheer fact that I ran constantly in that much pain for that far (even up the killer hill)! and if I return to the 'normal' happy Loretta then I will have completed one of the many challenges I have lined up for the goddess in me today.

Today I intend to leave work 2 hours early to make up for working very late on Tuesday.....I need to do a shop - the challenge here is to keep it to just £50 however, I am shopping at Waitrose! - I need to paint toe nails - read - cook a great meal (even though I have a sneaky suspicion my pa is going to spring a surprise visit - it's date night but he won't bother about that nonsense!) for Henri as he has been a bit battered over the last two days! Today is hot so I am absolutely sure it is very domestic goddess-like to stylishly arrange myself on one of our Monaco loungers and soak up some vit D! Ahem.

Feeling amazingly positive (even though I had to turn round and go back home after arriving at work as I forgot to leave out the paperwork for the accountant to pick up....only lost the plot a little bit by using just a few of the stronger expletives!!! Come on though wouldn't you?) and ready for the day ahead.....the sun is shining and it's warm. Lovely.

Wednesday challenge complete....

2010-06-02T19:01:00.000+01:00

Whilst I didn't set the challenge this morning regular readers of the blog will know that today is the day of the mid-week clean! It's done. It took a near miracle to get it done but it is! Thank goodness, with dinner on today is finally nearly over.

Day from hell. Firstly, I have PMT. Who elses gets it as bad as I am about to describe? First off I start by gettting a bit grouchy for no reason at which time my husband handily tells me that I have PMT and I want to scream at him for pointing out the sodding obvious. I don't, I just breath "I know, from here on in you can do no right - please don't try." He knows. He tries. He always gets it wrong. Well of course he wouldn't get it right I HAVE PMT! The grumpy bouts take over the good times and I become a different person. I swear PMT for me as I hurtle towards 37 without having had children is getting worse and every month I want to rip my womb out to end the misery as I know it's closely followed by toe curling pain for two days (thank God for small mercies - 2 days, lucky me). Yesterday I was not happy but today woah, didn't want to get in my way! Today at work was debt collecting day. At least the PMT bad attitude was put to good use! I was healthy and took a scrummy salad to work for lunch but PMT dictated I walked 10 minutes to the shop to get a Star bar to ruin all that and add to the PMT bloat. Then, my wonderfully patient PA thought it would be a good idea to buy me chocolate covered popcorn - which I ate and didn't really taste. Now I feel horrific; bloated and gross. The extra load of calories is what carried me through the mid-week clean. What hasn't at all helped is having to sort out Henri's end of year paperwork as well today.....WHY ARE MEN SO UNORGANISED???! I remind myself that he is a barber not a businessman but by God it's testing the PMT patience-if there is any. The best thing about today if you can find an up side is when familiar male business associates ask me how I am I have taken the delight in telling them that I do indeed have PMT and they've got off the phone so quickly they have barely said goodbye! Mwahhahahha - glee as I embarress them (only I will be the embarressed one when the PMT raging through me leaves my body in the next 24 hours)! Bet Henri is really looking forward to getting home tonight - could be why he's somewhat late.....do you think???!!!!!! Bless him. Good bloody job he loves me.........some bloody goddess that makes me!

Question: how do all you beautiful goddesses deal with yours?x

Our anniversary weekend in pictures!

2010-06-01T15:05:00.000+01:00

Awww..... every weekend should be an anniversary weekend .....it was pure heaven. Here's some of what we got up too punctuated with laughter, scrabble (yes, thank you I won!), fun walks with Digby, a HUGE delivery of flowers from Tot (she's so sentimental in all the right ways - hence being the friend she is; the flowers were the flowers that were in my wedding hand tie....damn she's good! MWAH!), opening cards galore, an impromptu lunch with friends, opening our presents to each other (finally I got my top notch expresso machine that I've been dreaming about for years - am Italian it's just not right I didn't have one (!!!) and Henri got an Armani watch) movies, no hassle gardening, no baking disasters as didn't even try, cuddles ..... won't go on..... here you go:

Checking out our year long rings...x

Meeting at the church at exactly 12.30pm - the time we got married. I was however, 20 minutes late this time! I was scouring the florists to find the same flowers I had in my hand tie - lost track of time! Whoopsie! x

At the altar - the very spot we were announced man and wife in! Not sure why I look unhappy in this picture - maybe because I just finished blubbing at the great memories!! Yes, yes we are both soppy! xxx

Back to the venue for lunch xxx

The last plants went into the Italian Garden - these little beauties will grow into bushes and protect the other plants from the wind on the corner - forward thinking! Sooooo great to see this project finished now! Challenge totally complete!

Enjoying our first BBQ of the summer season after the thing had been jet washed to within an inch of it's life - Digby and I took cover inside to avoid getting sodden!

All in all it was a splendid weekend of doing nothing really but importantly; I did nothing with my husband shut away in our own little world.

Back to work with a bit of bump this Tuesday though ....... and so the working week begins with deadlines and a a training session to host! .....x

2010-05-27T08:04:00.000+01:00

Woke this morning to a Jungle Book tune on Radio 2....instant warm glow as memories of my childhood come flooding back! Waking up this moring literally on the wrong side of the bed realising that I had slept the entire night uninterrupted has also given me a warm glow! For nearly an entire year Digby has woken me up at 5am every morning and last night Henri and I decided to swap sides (well, I decided by plonking myself in his place and refusing to move; claimed squatters rights and stayed there all night!) A whole night's sleep and I do feel rested - I have no idea why I have a horrid headache this morning however - maybe too much sleep! Poor Henri though was duly bwoken at 5am by the the pooch wanting to play ball ..... we (I) decided we'd make it permanent this swap! Luckily for me I have a husband who will do anything for me, clearly he's not that silly and I have made many promises in return!

Date night tonight is tempered as we have a lovely BIG day on Saturday! So we will be doing 'something' together tonight just nothing ultra romantic. Henri will be dying my hair - I am struggling to find anything romantic about that at all actually! The perks though of having a ~~hairdresser~~ barber for a husband......(never a hairdresser despite that fact he trained as one - apparently makes all the difference amoungst the male community!) Could be doing nails too tonight .... mine not Henri's!

So today it's raining - that fine wet rain - sumnmer still not arrived. IF the weather dries up some then I will be tackling the seedlings! Rememeber the little Marigolds - well, I am proud owner of mini adult plants ready to be popped into the garden. So I need to start this mamouth transfer and the tomato and carrot seeds are ready to be moved into their place! This requires a trip to the garden centre for compost. Coupled with this task today I need to do the Waitrose shop, order the Tesco shop and try and take the lawn mower to be fixed! Plenty to keep me busy today!.....

2010-05-26T19:02:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:
A good day. Loads of work done in the office - largely because my cute French wk experience girl was whisked off to one of the Directors to work for him for the day - he speaks French, so that meant he ended up explaining everything I already did in 2 weeks but this time she understood! - but it also meant I wasn't interupted. Christ that sounds terrible. It's the truth though just maybe I should have sugar coated it!

Sorted most Henri's paperwork for the accountant (what a bloody huge job - my husband as much as I adore him is sooooo crazily unorganised in this department - finding some of the paperwork is like searching for a pin in a haystack!)
Today marked the return of the packed lunch too - delicious and neatly packaged!
The mid-week clean complete (alright not quite didn't get the paperwork done! Busted! I did do a gut load for Henri at work though.....so semi justified)
Cooked yummy pasta sauce from scratch
Burried Boobie. RIP Boobie. (one our fish just to explain one of my our breasts hasn't fallen off!)
Here's the big one: I finally changed our names by deed poll to Lupi-Lawrence - it'll be official just as soon as the documents drop on our doorstep! Then I can long last change all our official accounts etc. Just in time. First wedding anniversary only 2 days away!

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Ran 3.2km

Really should have taken off horrid nail varnish but ran out of time.... chipped nails - quite possible the most un-goddesslike state to date!
And indulged:

Ate a Mars bar (whoopsie - how that slipped in my mouth I'll never know!! Ahem!!)

What have you done today?

Challenge: Stay happy & positive and combat the mid-week clean!

2010-05-26T12:37:00.000+01:00

Well yesterday was a really BAD day! A friend of mine told me that negativity breeds more negativity so...today I start anew with renewed vigour and determination......so far so good!

It is Wednesday which, means the mid-week clean. Sadly for me after days off I have an awful lot to do....house is a tip, in dire need of a good clean and paperwork piled high. It will be conquered as soon as I am done with my working day! Today I might even whistle whilst I work! I hope to work at great speed and also get a few jobs done in the garden....I might be aiming to high but today is a good day for that .......

Normal blogging resumes!

2010-05-25T15:58:00.000+01:00

I am sure you are all terribly pleased to hear that normal blogging will now resume!

After 4 days off or so (which I will come onto) I am resuming the challenge. Today's challenge is to plant in the tomatoes (yes bought, purlease my seedlings are still in their first stages and am not sure are going to come to much but...), plant out the rose tree that will adorn the front entrance as well as the lavender plants into the long container, clear up the debris by the door, starting planting in the bush borders too! I am sure I will be helping to finish the gravelling of our new Italian Garden (will also come onto this). I also need to cook dinner and deal with 4 days worth of post (when I said time off I meant it!)

So, first to re-count a great weekend! Saturday was delicious! Long Digby run before dropping him off at Molly's for a doggy sleep-over left me the rest of the morning to beautify for a glorious wedding! Long soak in a bath, nails and rays on the patio, finished my book and I even had the time to spend putting on a 'good' face! Lunch was cooked for when Henri came home before us dashing to the church. With our first wedding anniversary this weekend this one was bound to bring up cherished memories of our own wedding as not only was this one romantic but not dissimilar to our own. 2pm at the church and when the bride came in I predictably blubbed. We kissed and cuddled throughout the ceremony! We really are a soppy couple and we don't care! Arriving at The Wardrobe in the Cathedral Close we were greeted with the most beautiful British sight .... huge trees, flowering borders and an enormous lawn dotted with white clothed tables decorated with wild flowers and 'pretty' weeds - looking like they had been picked directly from a meadow! Champagne or real lemonade on arrival too....tough choice, it was baking but decided champagne was too good to turn down (don't think I have ever turned down a glass of champagne in my life!) Before we knew it we could take a seat anywhere and tuck into the best looking cream tea I've seen in a long while. Simply delicious! Very informal speeches; funny and touching (yes, I cried again)!! We idled the day away chatting to everyone - only 60 guests, perfect - walking in the grounds and watched and coo'd over the first dance, ate a superb buffet, and made plans with the groom and his family to have dinner at Casa Bianca soon. Home by midnight and deliriously happy - even to have just spent a Saturday together!

Sunday we managed a mini lie in thanks to Digby being away, lazily getting up to eat breakie in the garden and hot footed it to Molly's to pick up the pooch before heading to the garden centre to buy it's entire contents - well alot of plants - I love exaggerating! Over to Fordingbridge to see Nanci's flat and say happy birthday to Henri's father before a full on 7 hours of gardening labour in sweltering heat! Our vision of the Italian garden we'd dreamed of for 2 years was born! (Dramatic stuff eh?!)

Rotivating (is there such a word?) was a killer - well I say that it looked like a killer - Henri spent 4 hours doing this bit! To clarify I wasn't just sat watching him I was weeding another part of the garden..... we lay black sheeting down - that was the easy bit! We had fun deciding on where to place all of our beautiful little plants! Half finished now with half gravel - the rest to be done tonight!

End of slightly off kilter blogging and for tomorrow I will resume normal day challenges and moaning then! Bet you can't wait!xxx

Challenge: Do Saturday's house clean today!

2010-05-21T13:38:00.000+01:00

Flipping setting the bar high today - after a full day's work (in the sweltering - for Britain - heat) I would like to challenge myself to clean my entire house from messy to spotless and clean. Right. And make dinner? with a hangover? Good. Right. Not looking forward to this one little bit!

Apologies...

2010-05-20T17:03:00.000+01:00

Have not blogged since Tuesday! Blame my work life! No Assitant/PA makes me a dull blogger.

For those thinking I slacked off yesterday; I kinda did BUT I did do my mid-week clean and 2.8km run in the morning just no additional challenge! Today WAS going to be different but is turning into the same kind of day......it's 5pm and I should be finishing off my mid week Waitrose shop by now! Ouch! Date night tonight but I am so exhausted am really not sure we will go anywhere! Dull, dull, dull. Hardly goddess like - which brings me back to my original question at the start of this challenge - seriously, HOW do you all do it? Worst (or great in my book) thing of all is this weekend is jam packed with lovely things to do! A weekend of wedding bells and champagne celebrations, a family birthday, a long dog walk in the new Forest and discovering the new home of my friend and sister in law. We are though, finally putting together our Italian garden on Sunday afternoon. Gravel should be delivered tomorrow morning, rotivator at the ready, a dash to the garden centre for lots of beautiful plants and we'll be done! Finally after lots of planning and waiting (when I say lots I mean nearly 3 years of waiting!)!!

Before I dash to Waitrose, I need to ~~show off~~ ~~brag~~ share my new purchase with you.....it's for the summer goddess in me.......I introduce to you the Paul's Boutique bag:

MWAH!

Right need to get home before Digby has eaten the arm of the sofa ...... and you think I am joking!x

2010-05-19T08:47:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I/we have:

Whoosh. That's how quickly my day passed. I am an accomplished woman today! Not only are the 4 panels of fencing painted but they are sealed with creocote and I am done!!! It's only a small part of the fencing finished but it's a real start and it even looks great! (*faint).

Hoovered downstairs
Did the laundry
Loaded and unloaded the dishwasher
Painted and creocoted the fence by the conservatory
Creocoted half the fence at the bottom of the garden with it's third coat - it's officially half finished!!! (Only now the second half is going to be challenging as there are many bushy plants in front of it AND am terrified of spiders - I mean petrified, was biten by one once and was quite ill and since then my phobia is pretty out of control. I once was sat on the sofa with Henri in the early days and a spider landed on me; I screamed jumped up and took all my clothes off before running upstairs to take a long hot shower. Now that's a phobia - so i can see me pulling out lots of excuses not to complete it!)
Cooked Italian ribs for supper

I did fail on the dress front for the wedding this weekend that needs a new zip though. Tuesday is the earliest they can get it back to me. RUBBISH! What am I to wear now?

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Nothing. Nada.

And indulged:

Might have accidentally fallen in to my favourite shop and bought a tagine (must learn how to cook this dish - anyone fancy posting a yummy recipe for me in the comments????) for a bargain price!
Had a cheeky tanning session (I do realise I am just a little addicted to this process - but how great do you feel afterwards?)

What have you done today?

Challenge: Yoga OR more painting....?

2010-05-18T08:27:00.000+01:00

Can't do both. Bummer. Yoga starts at 6pm (I get home sat 5pm, so enough time to feed dog, change and get back into town - already sounds like too much effort before the class even starts) and finishes at 8pm. At that time I'll need to be cooking dinner so no time for anything else.

Yoga makes me feel brilliant. Centred and calm (a feat within itself) and pretty zen! That said I am in the middle of this fence project and I could get at least 3 hours work completed on the project tonight - possibly even finishing the fencing by the conservatory. The fencing this morning is pretty impressive; am sooooo chuffed with the effort last night.

Am being really indecisive. Why can't I have time for both? Ooo yes I work full time. Speaking of I need to leave in order to not get caught up in the horrid school traffic to be on time for a 9.15 Committee meeting. Darn......

2010-05-17T20:25:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Mondays I love. I know it's wierd - most people can't bear the thought of work on a Monday morning but I like going to work and getting back into my projects - that's the joy of loving what I do for a living. I have this mantra that the minute it becomes hateful I would leave. What's the point if it makes you unhappy? You live once! I am faced with a particularily hard week this week - no PA/Assistant, deadlines, hosting training sessions, training a French work experience student (this is impossibe when she hardly speaks any English and we are not the traditional of offices. Eight times I tried striking up conversation and cracking jokes, but the jokes on me when I had to repeat it for he 5th time very s l o w l y. She's cute as a button though - she just doesn't get me/the office/the work/the British weather/the fashion/the food!)

So over to fence saga. .... First thing I notice is that we've bought the wrong paint colour (told you we were pretty useless!) It's Cedar Red not the dark Oak we were looking at ...... due to this error we decide it's definately the wrong colour for the fence at the bottom of the garden - won't blend at all ... so I suggest that painting the fence by the door to the conservatory to see what the colour looks like (4 panels of fencing how difficult could that be???) First of all I have to strip off all the old dead twigs and branches that have come from next doors garden before spending 30 minutes looking for the little step ladder so that I can reach the top. Once found I start and immediately flick paint over the patio slabs (these slabs cost us a small fortune - they are genuine 1850's slabs to compliment the house). Whoopsie. Henri assures me the still boxed new power hose will take it off ... am not so sure but choose to believe him otherwise I could be a while finding the some kind of toxic liquid that will take it off! As I start to paint it on it becomes obvious that it's nothing like creocote to paint on. I actually have to be careful and do it 'properly'. Damn it. Three hours later and I have done only 2 1/2 panels. Am typing in front of it now and thinking it's definately going to need creocote on top as it's more red than cedar. O goodie. Fence painting may take up the rest of my life at this rate! So much for doing these challenges all 'goddess' like with no whinging!

Painted a different fence!
Henri's done all the ironing again (am a lucky lucky wife!)
Henri has fixed the wardrobe and sorted out his clothes (whoop de whoop - been asking for ages!)
Cooked Ravioli al burro for supper

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Completed a 2.3km run first thing this morning (there was though, ALOT of procrastinating at 6.30am but finally find the strength at 7.15am when I reminded myself how much cake testing I did yesterday!!)

And indulged:

Soaked in a bubble bath for longer than necessary (and it was after this morning's run, no wonder I was 10 minutes late for work!)

What have you done today?

Seedlings ....

2010-05-17T16:25:00.000+01:00

UPDATE:

Look at my little beauties aren't they cute all sprouting and standing proud....am concerned I have too many though - where the heck will they go when I need to plant them out???? Not thought this through at all have I?!

Challenge: Start fresh on the (sodding) fence with Ronseal

2010-05-17T13:45:00.000+01:00

Ronseal One Coat apparently. We'll see. Cynical much. Yes!

Must also remember to get organised for the week ahead - it's a very busy one at work - and one without my PA and Assistant (cripes). Must absolutely take my dress to the menders .... (see if I could only sew, then I could whip in a new zip in no time; not a challenge I can see me undertaking anytime soon...!) Need to sort out paperwork for H's business, need to pay a few bills, the ironing (*groan), buy card and pressie for H's dad, call the council. I can already see this week could be one I will wish to forget by Friday!

I also wanted to get more running in this week and actually attend the yoga class (missed 3 in a row - ridiculous!)

2010-05-17T13:37:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I/we have:

Seriously, I was too shattered to write this yesterday - so apologies. Baking is utterly exhausting, probably because I find it so bloody impossible! First cake was a simple almond cake (simple - my arse -hurrumph!). Let me show you:

See lovely!! Was so excited about this until I left it to cool down and came back an hour later to this:

WHAT IS THAT BIG DIP IN THE MIDDLE????? Now, Henri swears it's lovely but it's beauty is definately not. So. I start again. This time a vanila sponge. Guess what? The exact same thing happened. God only knows what it is I am doing wrong BUT I could not serve this to friends and family let alone make cake gifts with this (can you imagine receiving this disaster??!!) We have both taste tested. Alot. I think I might have gained 3 pounds just testing different parts of the cake. Beginning to feel like a wobbly baking loser! At least no such challenge will take place next weekend as we have a full weekend and zero time for such baking misery!!! ....(o god a wedding next weekend and I have to shift the extra cake weight!)

Pruned and staked the garden roses
Visited B&Q for more creocote (and ended up with Ronseal fence paint. Conversation went something like this: L the creocote I bought is down that aisle. H: Right. Erm why didn't you buy this Ronseal fence paint in the first place; it's cheaper than creocote and the croecote isn't working. L: any chance you could have outlined that from the beginning as I painted half of it 3 times now????!!!!) and it rained all day so no painting took place (I was secretly very pleased and yes I know that's not the attitude!)
Walked extra long lovely country dog walk albeit in the drizzle
Sowed chilli, golden tomato and carrot seeds (getting a little over zealous!)
Baked
Cooked Chicken alla Milanese

And indulged:

Watched 4 episodes of Supernaturel!

What have you done today?

Challenge: Sow chilli & tomato seeds / Start creocoting other half of fence!

2010-05-16T08:57:00.000+01:00

Forecast: rain. Actual weather: rain (and it started just as I came downstairs in time for me to dash to the washing line to bring in the mainly dry laundry. Without coffee any kind of Sunday morning 'dashing' is not a good thing.) So on my only day off in the week with my husband and we are bound indoors - not that Henri will mind as he has a cold and being made to power hose the conservatory roof and patio probably wasn't in his top ten things to do today! It's May. Mother says that Great Grandmother used to say "Cast not a clout til May is out!". I think that means don't complain about it not being summer until June, so shouldn't expect sun I suppose. It's early so the rain may disapper later on (ever the optimist with weather - am always dressing inapropriately. In my head it's sunny outside therefore I will wear less clothes and then step out into the 'sunny weather' and it's freezing and because I am usually running tardy I have no time to throw on a new outfit. It's not right to trick me like that - sun outside should equal warmth. O how I dream of living in Miami!) and we may be able to finish the fence....(there are other fences sadly, sorry to bore you - this one is the biggy though, the one you always notice.) So in true Challenge spirit if it continues to rain I will not sit on the sofa and cosy up to watch a movie but I will find a suitably equal challenge like cleaning all the windows in the conservatory - 17 long panes of glass .......

Not having learnt from the Marigold sowing and actually enthused by the fact that they have already survived 4 days after their transfer I am going to sow Demon Red Chilli's and Golden Tomatoes (fun factor here is that there are in fact golden not red - it's sad that I get excited about the colour of fruit that I will be growing. In my 20's I used to get excited about being on the 'IN' list to Elton John's Aids Awareness party or partying with Mark Lemarr - these days; golden tomatoes. It's fine, I've moved on - I chose a life in the country. I was suduced by wanting to create a perfect country home, having a perfect business and being able to eat from my perfectly planted garden! I've along way to go and I remind myself daily it's the achieving that's exciting. Hmm).

A cake WILL be made, the challenge will be completed - in fact the minute I post this blog I will begin to baking process. I also aim to make bread today too (doesn't that sound impressive? Yep - except I do have a big cheat; a bread making machine! It still counts though....)

2010-05-16T08:18:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I/we have:
Fail. After yesterday's smugness, today haunts me with a failure, I have not baked today. The indulgent side of me got far too greedy and took the afternoon off with a friend chatting and planning and chewing the cud on issues close to our hearts and drinking far too much coffee. Was a brilliantly fun afternoon but not without guilt. After she left I dashed around making the bed, putting washing away and painting the fence just so that when Henri got home he'd think I'd been a wonderful busy and acconmplished wife! Chores done in haste always means something goes awry. I mean seriously how idiotic is it to creocote a fence in a white t-shirt? I was so busy slapping the stuff on the fence to at least complete some of today's challenge that I didn't realise I had also decorated (Henri's) white T-shirt, my face and my arms! There was zero point in protecting my hands with builders gloves! However, all is not lost today I have managed to:

Stripped bed
Took Digby on extra long walk (sounds like I am a great pooch owner right? I must confess the ulteriror motive was actually to tire him so that when Lou came over he was too tired to want to continually bring her his ball to throw!)
Washed the laundry
Hung out laundry on the line (it is nearly dry out the clouds look dangerously like the are forming an evil plan to soak it all!)
Re-made bed (anyone else hate doing this - the duvet is a simple design but it's such a devil to get in it's cover!)
Made Italian ribs with tomoatoe, mozzerella and basil salad
Painted 3rd coat of creocote on fence
Picked up pooch poo (Oooo the glamour)

Tomorrow is another day ....

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Took off all nail varnish and treated nails

And indulged:

Spoke with mother at length
Had coffee / lunch/ more coffee with Lou - a 5 hour treat!!

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: Add 3rd coat of creocote to fence & bake simple sponge cake

2010-05-15T10:59:00.000+01:00

Well, I know it is Saturday and I should be making a bigger challenge for myself BUT today is the day I practise more of the Goddess part. I need to take off all my nail varnish (bitty nails varnish couldn't be tackier), chat to mother (this always eats up an hour; what can I say we are mother and daughter who are also great chums), meet great friend Lou Lou for coffee then onto lunch (despite seeing each other everyday of the working week there is an awful lot to chew over today. Honest.)

Anyway, for the last 3 weekends - which you won't know about yet as I only started this on Sunday- I have been attempting to teach my self how to bake. Baking is completely different to cooking. I am a good cook. No, I am a great cook (thanks to chef papa) - yes I rock at something! BUT I cannot bake. My sister bakes great cakes as does my mother (she obviously inheritated the baking gene, and the skinny naturally gene, and the domestic goddess gene too - nothing fazes my sister domestically. Am in total envy; although I can challenge her at shopping - she is the best shopping buddy!) I need baking in my life (not in MY tummy) but baking you can give as gifts and it cheers the soul a good piece of cake in all it's glistening glory with icing, or without icing but smeared in chocolate.....it also makes my husband more happy than he is normally. That's important to me. The last 3 weekends I cannot lie to you have not been that successful. Take the cake I was attempting last Saturday: separate 6 eggs. Done easy. Into the egg yolk add the sugar, lemon rind and lemon juice. No problem except damnit I added them to the egg whites. We now have a huge amount of merangue that took 5 hours to cook stashed away in a tupperware box. The week before; the recipe states 11oz caster sugar, I weigh it out and it's not until I need to make the topping do I realise it also says use only 9oz in the cake and the other 2oz for the topping. Damnit. Of course it made all the difference. Now, whilst I am busy today I intend to make a simple vanilla sponge at some point. Nothing fancy or showy. I am of course building myself up to making French pastries to serve on Sunday mornings with fresh coffee and orange juice. I aim high and why the hell not! Except today... just a simple sponge!

2010-05-15T10:37:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Today is a triumph. Yes. I feel pretty happy with myself, I managed to complete my challenge in the time frame suggested. Actually not strictly true but the majority of it within the time frame, bar replenishing the flowers and the run. My run came at 7pm instead of before but other than that (and the flowers) all done. Thanking you very much am the Domestic Goddess with the Mostest. Ok a pure fluke pull off but am smug because tomorrow I am having a girly day with Lou Lou and it means a dog walk in the morning followed by coffee and then lunch - all chilled out with nothing to worry about not having done (I say that but there's bed stripping, laundry and hoovering. Bugger.) Obviously I have swet myself to a daily challenge for a year and of course there will be one tomorrow but nothng massively housework heavy on top of that needs to be done. So;

Made lunch for Henri (does anyone else struggle with this - it's like preapring dinner it takes forever!)
Food shopped (I gleaned this beautiful piece of information on the glorious asparagus today~: when buying asparagus unless you are eating the little beauties that day you must store them in the fridge in an upright postion in water - this is the only way you can preserve the goodness)
Put away food shopping (I am soooo innovative -some call it lazy - I used the wheelbarrow to get it all out of the car - one trip to the door!)
Cleaned Kitchen - tis sparkly now
Hoovered downstairs and stairway
Dusted downstairs
Cooked Seeded Haddock with green peas and mint, beans and asparagus for supper

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Ran 2.5km - the hill is still a bitch to me - will it ever get easier? (Running in the evening is a whole different kind of struggle to running in the morning - at least in the morning I go after 8 hours sleep and not a full working day, food shopping and cleaning!)

And indulged:

Oppsie, found myself getting another tan today .... promise to stop now... maybe
Whoopsie, bought a replacement camera for the one that was stolen a week ago today (the joy of credit and it means I can add pics to this blog now)
Soaked in suds - (Boy did I deserve that soak)
Sat in the garden on the patio with husband and suinking a glass of Rose and lazed about

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: Split Saturday's housework by achieving some on Friday...

2010-05-14T11:33:00.000+01:00

So as not to spend ALL flipping day on a Saturday doing housework I intend to do at least half of it tonight....(intend being the word of the day - often my good intentions fall to the curbside). If I can get in a routine of doing this I can spend more time on a Saturday on the Goddess just bursting to be set free (ahem) and more time being a friend (these days as my loyal friends that are still there know I am so busy running around I don't see them even half as much as I'd like to - incidentally to those of you that remain I love you for your patience and loyal friendship) and I might even find a bit more time to spend learning the elusive (to me) art that is gardening!

My Challenge is this: Clean downstairs to include: putting away mess, hoovering, dusting (does anyone hate dusting as much as I do???? It's just so dull and er, dusty), clean the kitchen and replenish the flowers. Now I do have to get petrol and do a food shop tonight too and I would like to go for a run as well ..... is this possible from 4pm until 7pm for when my gorgeous husband gets home???? I am optimistic.....I am also a fool but there you go ...

2010-05-13T19:52:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

OK. Challenge complete. I recruited a not so entusiastic Henri and together we lay our newspaper on the patio table (seriously dirt everywhere - maybe I am learning - hurrah) and recovered the stashed pots from the last attempt, filled them with compost and started the painstaking task of gently lifting out each seedling one at a (*yawn) time - there were approximately 80 of the little darlings. Ooooo how I forgot that it is literally back breaking work. Leaning over them trying not to tear the roots.....all are now in pots and sat proudly in the conservatory watered and poised to grow.... well, admitedly they are not as pert as they were before the big transfer but we have tried. As we worked Digby lay next to us in a blanket cute as button fast asleep exhausted from his op and oblivious to our efforts. My big concern right now is not that they will die but that my beautifully self-manicured nails have not survived the process (selfish - must work on that. O what am I on about I am 36 and am too set in my ways now change such selfish behaviour!!). My memory loss of how much effort is all is to do is already almost forgotton as I am contemplating sowing chilli seeds on Sunday.....I am feeling hugely smug at having completed this challenge but it does remain to be seen as to whether they survive. Watered and keeping normal house plants alive is one of my failures.....so we'll just see....

Emptied bin (pet hate of mine- God knows why, maybe a bin attacked me when I was a nipper)

Yep that's all I've done in terms of housework today! Whoopsie - standards are slipping!! Ahh what am I talking about - what standards!!!?!

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Ran 2.5K first thing this morning (I say ran; I mean jogged at a pace just with a little more action than a walk and it hurt so bad! That last hill to the house will one day kill me!)
Tried very quiffy hairstyle (jury is out still, Henri loves it - so that's a bonus but he's probably being kind!)

And indulged:

Shared a bottle of rose and an M&S deal supper in celebration of the completion of the challenge(I'd love to say successful but we'll see if they survive) seedlings to pots!

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: Transfer Marigold seedlings to bigger pots

2010-05-13T14:09:00.000+01:00

Every year I make the same mistake. Every year I think growing from seed will be easy and frankly it's not but I seem to have constant annual memory loss of this fact. This year I decided to plant out some marigold seeds - pretty and you get to eat them too - bonus! Sowing them is a blast - how easy? Fill a tray with soil, scatter seeds, cover with soil water them and stash them in a warm & light place - in our case the conservatory. That was three weeks ago. The seedlings are now an inch and a half high and it's time. This part has never gone successfully for me. Transfer the seedlings from comfy nesting tray nice and happy and perky to small pots to allow to grow bigger. Easy right? Wrong - usually I seem to in one foul swoop to wipe out the perfect young seedlings with heavy hands and they die within days (if not hours in protest of being handles badly I am sure). And the mess, o god the mess ...... today my challenge is to transfer these little green beauties to pots with a degree of patience ..... wish the little darlings luck.....

Date Night is normally tonight but just for today it is postponed....Digby due out of his op later today and will need much cuddling and stroking (so instead of doing that to each other on Date Night we forego to look after our beloved pooch - a slightly twisted way of putting it but there you go and don't judge me please!!)

2010-05-12T20:17:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Horrid, horrid day. Bad mood city (poor Henri hasn't even had a hug today, I am a bad, bad wife). Hardly any sleep (it's true what they say no sleep - no beauty, I look washed out and my eyes look like I could have gone at least two rounds with a boxer), alot of cramping that quite frankly had me seriously thinking most of the morning of ripping out my womb (apologies any male followers) and on the verge of tears most of the morning. Thank God for a solid, well rounded PA. Really, not even two weeks in and she has to deal. She did. Anyway work day and mood aside I have done the following in completing the challenge:

Hung out the washing
Unloaded the dishwasher
Cleaned up from last night
Cleaned the bathroom
Hoovered upstairs & downstairs
Taken the bins and the recycling down the lane for collection
Made a steak and salad dinner
Filing (oooooo yes!)
Did a bit of card tarting (the only tarting i do these days!!!)

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Got myself a cheeky tan at lunchtime today (this snapped me from my bad mood to an 'I'm coming round now' mood - feeling like you're in the sun is such a boost - yes i know I shouldn't be doing it and my skin might look like an old goat's when I am 50 but one session in ten years ain't bad!)

And indulged:

Bought a beautiful vintage boudoir box from a little boutique I know for a bargain £5.99!!!

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: the Mid Week clean

2010-05-12T17:23:00.000+01:00

Ahhhh mid week - I always find once this day is done it's a countdown to the weekend; starting with Date night Thursday, Chill out Friday and then it's here ..... but Saturdays no matter what am doing I can't avoid the big house clean. So Wednesday nights I try and clean up mess and scrub the bathroom and dust upstairs as well as push the hoover round then come Saturday the clean isn't so time consuming. What I'd love is to also add in filing to this Wednesday mix as then it's done every week and I don't have to tackle the very often 5 month pile of paperwork with dread and a heavy heart (and normally a packet of biscuits to cheer me up!)

So the challenge today is to add in the filing .... only the pile is 5 month's high. On the up side no fence painting tonight ......!

2010-05-11T20:40:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Hurrah, hurrah ... many things have NOT been done today but in our defence it has been one of THOSE days..... Digby at the vet meant he came to work with me, got home and the Prime Minister went and resigned and it really is addictive tv and let's face it if one needs to be up on all the politics for my daily role at the Chamber (bottle of red not included) then a great old friend called and we chatted about serious issues (shoes weren't even mentioned once) then mother called, then the new Prime Minister was appointed by the Queen ......yes, yes excuses but I have:

Made Henri's pack lunch
Done final coat of creocote on the fence
Put away half of Henri's ironing
Remembered to put out 'green' recycling

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Erm ..... done and learnt nothing about glamour today other than coordinating my green knitted tunic with green beads and green eyes .... too much green maybe? See....I've learnt nothing!

And indulged:

Ate carrott cake made by colleagues sister .... was devine, it would have been rude not too .....
Devoured a good bottle of red wine watching the politics unfold whilst cooking a fine Carbonara

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: Continue with fence painting (*yawn)

2010-05-11T07:55:00.000+01:00

Well, it just looks like we've 'treated' a blue and green fence not tried to change it's colour. Admittedly it is darker but another coat needed tonight ....we've only done half of it. So fence painting might be the challenge for the whole week. I guess it could be something to with our laziness and maybe we should have sanded it down first .....well, ok we know we should have sanded it down first but how long would that have taken??? We are failing this challenge, aren't we?

Today is tricky to get alot done anyway, Digby in at vets for possible op on his tooth and infection on his belly. Supposed to be at a yoga class tonight too and as much as I do love it (honest), I've missed two sessions in a row already if Digs has op I'll definately be at home but how much can I get done with a poorly pooch?...Excuses, excuses....

Ironing needs putting away, upstairs needs cleaning, downstairs dusting AND the filing (o please - it's 3 months piled high)..... o the glamour, however I do find comfort in that thought that I am not alone we all have to do it....my question is you never complain and make it look easy ...how do you do that? Combining looking after yourself and your husband and the house and garden, dog, cat and car with a smile and appearing not to break a sweat is really hard to learn.... what's your secret??????

2010-05-10T20:30:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Changed the 3 trays of cat litter for the ancient cat (Chloe = 16 year old demanding cat)
Hoovered downstairs and the stairs themselves (however since then I managed to walk in lots of mud which I've covered with as rug til tomorrow - tomorrow's another day right?)
Loaded and unloaded dishwasher
Made appointment for Digby for vet tomorrow
Made the pack lunches (such a bore and not only that the salad was so dull I threw it away and went to M&S - opps!)
Braved Tesco at peak timne for essentials
Finally made the trip to B&Q
Stripped half the large fence of ivy
Creocoted that part of the fence (only you can still see the blue and green underneath-damn, requires 2nd coat! Would take a photo but am struggling to remember where I've left the damn camera! )
Made Salad Nicoise for supper
Came home to H having done the majority of the mountain of ironing (Henri is nearer to domestic than I am right now as I refer you back to hiding the dry mud instead of cleaning it up!)

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Learnt that I can use vintage lipstick tubes by buying fav lippy's and freezing them first before transferring them over (only the truth is I rarely wear lippy....must try harder to be glamorous!)

And indulged:

Enjoyed a G&T with H in the garden trying to convince ourselves the fence DOES look different
Wrote email to my bestest friend Tot
Spent 30 mins over lunch looking at photos on FB of LJ in Thailand (it is great my ex PA is enjoying life so much not in the office with me *sour grapes) and of old school friends I generally have no interest anymore - that is to say the ones I am not 'friends' with on FB (call it being nosey, I'm down with that!!)

What have you done today?.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement - boasting if you like, and why not?....

Challenge: Paint fence (take two)

2010-05-10T08:18:00.000+01:00

Take Two. We have set this challenge today as a) the sun is shining and it means a good dry evening(typical - it's Monday) and b) leave it any longer and we know we won't do it. So at some point today I need to fight my way back through the traffic to B&Q; on top of stopping for kitchen essentials, getting the dry cleaning in and getting my dress to the menders readuy for a wedding in two weeks (I swear most domestic goddesses can sew - do I need to take a course in this too?) Not to mention a long day in the office ........Any tips on painting fences most welcome.....

2010-05-09T20:01:00.000+01:00

Today I/we have:

Tidied from last night
Walked Digby
Folded 'some' washing
Taken in the washing that was on the line (on the line for 5 days so; finally!)
Cooked and devoured a yummy Roast Pork lunch
Learnt that keeping tomatoes in the fridge takes away their flavour therefore I have placed ours in a decorative 1940's bowl on the kitchen top
H has stained the post (one post = the dregs of a can of wood stain) with the hanging basket of srawberries on it
H has also ~~mown~~ strimmed the lawn
Loaded and unloaded the dishwasher twice ...

And working on the Goddess in me; I have:

Painted my nails deep purple
Dyed my hair chesnut brown
Soaked in hot suds
Shared a bottle of good red wine
Spent quality time with my adorable husband
Indulged in three episodes of Entourage s3

What have you done today.....writing it down gives you an odd sense of achievement .... come on share!

Challenge: Cut lawn and paint fence.....

2010-05-09T14:48:00.000+01:00

So this morning we plan our day; breakfast, walk Digby, go to B&Q and buy wood stainer to paint gruesome fence (currently a vile blend of blue and green) come home and whilst I prepare a roast pork lunch Henri will cut lawn then we will together stain our large fence whilst yummy food cooks .... lending us the rest of the afternoon to watch a movie or play a game....

Not really worked out. Digby walk was great, diverse chatter and plenty of laughter and we discovered a new dog walking route. Fought through the traffic to B&Q only to realise we have left the wallet at home or more precisely on the bins (we did the recycling before coming out) - a small arguement ensued as to whose fault it was and then we calmed blaming no one as what is the point! A|ll is not lost the lawn will be cut and we can do something else but I can't help feeling disappointed that again we won't really achieve one of the big things on our enormous list of things to do...... phew, as wallet found in next doors house, Henri starts the lawn and i prepare lunch. All is well until I glimpse Henri outside using a strimnmer to cut the entire expanse of the lawn....taking him out a cuppa and piece of badly home baked cake he states it's broken - won't start. Any petrol in it? Yes. Any oil in it? Yes. Ohh. Stumped. Ahhhh we've hit another wall. You see, our car is tiny and cannot take a lawnmower to be fixed anywhere and we know that for call out it's not cheap so we've reached stalemate. We have such a large lawn that we cannot not mow it but how do we get this damn thing fixed .....we'll think on it....(again; please any advice welcome)

Going back into the house I clock it is suddenly consumed by smoke from the sizzling fat on the pork in the oven, I open all the windows in every room and in doing so the wind knocks a treasured vase off it's base and it crashes to the floor spilling all it watery contents and the blooms everywhere.

Was today the right day to start a domestic challenging blog?

Am quite nervous as Henri has just been seen with nails and a hammer in his hand wondering past the kitchen windows...... am off to make sure no accidents happen .....

.....Why am I here blogging..?

2010-05-09T13:51:00.000+01:00

My name is Loretta and I am 36 and a half - in other words; getting on a bit and hurtling towards 40! Somehow, and it was terribly careless of me I lost my 20's, when my 30's came along my life began .... bought house number 2, fell deeply in love with my husband, bought our beautiful 1850's house for a small fortune and learnt about setting up and running a business, secured my job and went on a steep learning curve and brought up a puppy - we are now proud owners of a Goldie; Digby.

As I am sure you will come to realise quite quickly we are not the luckiest of families but fight hard against this bad luck that trails us like a bad smell to make our lives happier than we are with each other. We are in fact very happy; sickeningly so! We have good jobs (ones that don't perhaps pay great but we love what we do - a life compromise!) We have fabulous friends and supportive loving families. What neither one of us have is knowledge of such things like DIY - even the basics. House keeping eludes me. How do you all do it? Keep a job pinned, have a beautifully tidy and clean house, files in order, the fridge is full, meals are on time and delicious, your gardens are tidy, colourful and de-weeded, you even grow veg...... I'm willing to bet most of you have children too!

We are in a mess (and we are naturally messy). We need to change. We dream of running the house and garden seamlessly ....The luck thing for us is simply things going wrong, and the little things build into big things and then get erm left ..... example no.1: 3 weeks ago I planted two Spider Lilly bulbs in the conservatory as per the instructions and kept an eye on them as per the instructions. They sprouted - hurrah!! Three days ago I noticed from nowhere they were being eaten by something, he leaves bending and parts of the shape missing ... on closer inspection I spy black bugs scurrying around the surface of the soil. Now. What do I do? I don't know a solution, so what have I done? Nothing. That's right nothing because I don't have the first idea what steps to take, I am hoping they will disappear.......example no.2: Two weeks ago i cut the lawn with my father's loaned expensive lawnmower. No problems. Today my husband wants to cut the lawn and it's stopped working. It's full of petrol. What do we do? Put it back in the shed to 'try again next time'....(incidentally my husband is making his life hard now by trying to cut a huge lawn with a strimmer.)

See? These things happen and domestic gods and goddeses that you are know the answers to solve these problems!

So today I start a blog to record our daily attempts at sorting out this house and garden.... I challenge us us to something domestic each day, to get on top of the mess, to educate ourselves to become DOMESTIC........!

PS Any advice MORE than welcome .....