When I was at school I was rarely ill. I detested being away from school in case I missed out (not on my school work but you know friend stuff - crickey I was never that studious but I don't suppose I burst anyone's bubble by me stating that!) or missed an opporunity to get my foot in the door with the cool girls, you know that kind of important stuff childhood is made up with ... so really I've always been a little strange- something now well documented amongst my friends! Being actually ill was by all accounts just really boring and more tedious than being made to attend church mass three times a week or sitting through Latin classes or even running the countryside in a tight airtex shirt and navy blue knickers in the dirving rain! As I grew up and into my early twenties I was never ill either although at that time living away from home and in London I was Queen of Sickies (think they call them duvet days now) - there were far better things to be doing than working and back then I still had no idea what I wanted to be (or who I was come to that)! As an adult degree taking student in my mid twenties again, never ill, hungover a plenty but never sick and I never skipped class unless I was with my fellow students - I refer you back to my school days. Now in my thirties am much more rounded (not completely I'll grant you but am getting there) and really can't take time being ill. For one, I run my office and I am simply too busy and responsible (how did that happen, who knew?) to be ill, then I have developed a whole new aspect to my character called - being a control freak, and of course I hate missing out etc etc and so it goes on!
So this Wednesday I am due into hospital to make myself ill. In a previous blog you'll all know that I am petrified. This hasn't changed - only thing that has changed about that is now am getting rather alot of unplanned pressure in my chest when I have enough time idle to think about what's going to happen ...I believe this is called anxiety. Pah! See, in my head I enter into the darkness 100% pain free and able (and yes I am conveniently forgetting about the severe pain every month for approximately 48 hours) and I will be wheeled out (or worse: made to walk!) in alot of pain. My mind is evil. I keep thinking about the little surgeons knife cutting me and then delving on in further to slice open my ovaries (still with me?) - this little scene keeps replaying itself in my head. Evil bad mind. Added to that is the complete head bomb that is me trying to work out how it is possible for them to get me to sleep through this without waking? That and worst of all; how many people will be staring at me. It gives me the creeps. You might as well strip me naked and shove me centre stage at the Albert Hall with a spot light on me. Actually that would be preferable!
Not one single person can calm my mind. Why is that? I surround myself with people I trust but on this....no one can help?
Anyway, I veer off my original point ....so taking 7 days off for being ill - is messing with the control freakishness of my nature. What does one do when ill? I am told I am not allowed to operate machinery; including a car and a cooker - their words not mine! Also not allowed to carry anything - does this include my book? Ridiculous!
In 38 hours it will be all over one way or another (o the drama)! As I type this I do realise how ridiculous I sound and I am clearly becoming unhinged in some way. I wish I was going in tomorrow that way it'll be over quicker and I can end the torture in my mind and let's not forget my poor husband's next 38 hours. If it was not for the extra 1% opportunity this may give us I would have wriggled out of this black hole by now.
The clock is ticking. I wish I could fast forward time. Hmmm.
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