Fear.

Fears, plural it should be in my case.

As I become older and wiser, I become more irrational. This sentence doesn't even make sense but somehow it's exactly what I mean! I know what is safe and even how it is put together to become safe, I understand it. I am wise, well generally. I know a lot of 'stuff' by the very nature of my age let alone my acute appetite for knowledge and information.

The Wiki definition of fear is: "Fear is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognise danger and flee from it or confront it, also known as the Fight or Flight response."

This last weekend I encountered planned fear - frankly the worst kind. Anticipated fear. I stared it in the face and it looked back with it's evil eyes and winked at me indicating it's enjoyment at my displeasure! Coming eye to eye with fear is like being gripped in the devil's belly unable to shake its painful grip. You want to free yourself but it literally feels like the world is caving in (which by the way looks like normal life but quite blurry around the edges!) You are literally putting yourself through a wringing machine hoping you will come out the other side. In one piece I might add. People that have certain fear of certain things should not be sneered at; what is a breeze for some is a nightmare for others.

My fear this weekend was being 18 metres up in the treetops with girls I didn't know well (unless you count the ten minute hello at the start). No way down except to complete this craziness... or in most peoples case a child’s playground in the sky! Getting up the rope ladder was hard enough shaking like a leaf caught in a storm, then across the planks to the next big tree trunk; around the trunk and there it was; actual fear staring me in the face. Outwardly I would say I looked pretty ill; a trembling, tearful shadow of my former self with the pallor of an unwell ghost. My stature was to stand stock still in case I vomited or of course fell to my death. I looked to the girl next to me and whispered (as if fear would hear and poke more fun at me) "I think I might cry, I can't do this". What I couldn't do was harness myself to the zip line and throw myself across the huge 4 metre wide gap to the rope wall opposite.... remember 18 metres up! I did start to repeat with no control in my wobbly voice "I REALLY can't do this" several times over and over! The girl next to me smiled, said I could and that she really understood my fear but that I could do it, remember she said fear is irrational - she also pointed out there was NO other way down. NO other way down. Like, NO other way down. Really? Why was this not made clear to me at the start....? After what felt like an hour in time, the realisation hit me between my eyes that I had NO choice. Slowly and shaking uncontrollably I started to move my sweaty hands down the trunk to sit in my harness ready to launch my limp body across the abyss - I closed my eyes, drew in a long deep breath and slowly inched my feet of the platform at which point speed took over and before I knew it I had hit the rope wall and was grabbing it for dear life hearing the last scream leave my throat .... absolutely terrifying. Ahead of me was a whole two hours of similar challenges. I did it. I actually did it. Don't even get me started on the long zip wires down either...height and speed …..

Facing fear does not necessarily mean conquering it; in my case definitely not but it does command a kind of respect from your peers as they witness you grapple with it and then actually move past it. The kindness of strangers in a situation like is remarkable - I say strangers but locked in my battle they became my friends. A mutual respect was formed. Apply this to any part of your life and I am sure this is how you could become a respected leader. It means not being afraid to at least have a go and even ask for help with it proving that fear brings a modicum of courage to your life if the soul is willing.

I am so proud of myself. I can hold my head up high and say "I faced one of my biggest fears, I am still fearful but I gave it a go .... and I am quite sure I will NEVER face it in that way ever again!"

The moral to this tale is; have a go, by having a go you cannot fail even if you do not quite triumph over the fear.

Post Op thoughts...

Whilst I know I am in danger of sounding trite as I approach the one week anniversary of the op I have had plenty of time to recovery my sanity (body will follow soon, I hope) I think it's time to express how the 'recovery days' sat idly in my head.

• My current and utmost worry is my body. Ah not the beaten black, blue and yellow look am sporting across my stomach currently but it's shape.  A few weeks before the op I had to abandon running due to both knee and groin injury and therefore have not even seen my trainers for at least 3 weeks.  This is no good thing.  Whilst secretly I appreciated the break from running because this insane form of exercise does not come easily despite its addictive nature, right now I actually wobble.  How quickly my body turned on me and went sort of south.  How very disloyal of my body, after all that work! During op recovery I seem to have done a lot of eating.  A lot.  No more than on a normal day but when you run around busy and add in running and walking the pooch daily this is no problem; when moving only from lying position in bed to propped up position on the sofa it is mildly concerning especially when you wobble. What to do?  I am not going to be able to run again for a while (again, secretly a  little pleased) so how then do I stop my body looking like jelly unless of course I tape my mouth shut?
• All the little things I said I would achieve in my post op rest days I have not done.  I have not read or even started my new book.  I have not written as many blog posts as I wanted to.  I have not re-addressed some 'ideas' I have for the future.  I have not filed my recipe cards. I have not written to old friends to reacquaint.  I have not put our honeymoon pictures in an album.  I have not organised my i-tunes. I have just not.  I have slept.  A lot. Popped many painkillers.  A lot.  Eaten.  A lot.  I have watched an inordinate amount of mindless tv.  A lot.  What a waste of time.  I am a little horrified, if a little disgusted at my use of time.  
• The mind is such strange place with time on your hands; over the last two days I have been fully awake and it likes to taunt me.  It likes to let me know how lovely it would be whilst I have this time on my hands to do all the things my normal days don't have time for.  It tells me to tend the garden, bag up the seeds for spring sowing, weed the lawn and trim the hedges.  It tells me it's an ideal time to beat the baking challenge.  It also tells me it would be a great time to sort out my wardrobe, it even tells me now is a great time for a summer clear out of the house.  All of which I cannot do.  Harrumph.  

HOWEVER; I am going to credit myself with the recognition that I do have the most wonderfully supportive family and friends and the most incredible husband a girl could have married!  Over the last few days I have been inundated with messages, visits, flowers, cards, a lot of food based gifts, phone calls and above all; love.  I feel so loved.  I feel that from every corner of the globe from where ever my family and friends reside they have all hugged me.  Hugs are underrated.  Everyone needs to have a time of concern because that's how you know.  How you know why you've chosen those people to be your friends and how you realise how much your family means to you.  My parents are divorced, but together they came and I know I've always said how lucky I am to have them as best friends to each other but to know that no matter what they will unite as one is pretty special.  My little sister (ok, not so little but beautiful, tall and generous to a fault - basically your domestic siren) brings my sugar coated nephews and makes me laugh and gives a warm glow you can bask in for hours afterwards.  Adam, my brother found time amongst his many commitments to stop and call and keep calling until I had the strength to have a conversation; he's not been my brother for long but he's a good brother.  My in-laws have called or visited daily; never outstaying their welcome just checking I'm ok.  So many friends, too many to mention by name have just plain old been there - an instant soul lifter.  A thousand thank you's - you know who you are.  My husband.  I married a man not a boy.  He is someone that I now could not ever live without.  He is my everything.  He took on not only the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, dog walking and his full time job but above all he has never left my side until he was sure nothing bad would happen.  He waited until the I could see properly from the side effects the tablets gave me so I wouldn't trip over on the way to the bathroom, he was there when I needed to move or get up, he listened, he made sure I had everything I needed around me within reaching distance, he fielded calls to re-assure family and friends when I was asleep, he wiped away my tears with his kisses (ok, tissues but how romantic did that sound?!), he was patient, he lay with me awake in bed as I slept, he made me laugh when the anaesthetic had made me down in the dumps, he was just there.  He will always just be there right by my side and I am proud to be his wife and whether we are able or not to have our dream family it doesn't matter because we have each other; forever.

Time is lost as the days whizz by for all of us and it's good to be thankful - just sometimes.  See; I did warn you it was going to be trite! xxx